If following your intuition leads to failure then that failure was necessary for your growth. Listen to your body and that little voice inside you called intuition. What are the lessons learned from a wasted life? Please don’t be me and let your life be a total waste. They didn’t ask to be in this world or to have a crazy mom.
I’m sorry for my children because they will bear the brunt of my foolishness and selfish behavior. Yup, my life was one big mistake after another. Seems obvious but I was a clueless young woman. I didn’t put much effort into selecting a mate, and no one told me bad marriages caused irreparable damage. That was my passive-aggressive response to seven years of training where I learned about evil people and felt bludgeoned into wearing a mask to be accepted by people who innately despised me.įoolishly, I hoped marriage would offer an opportunity to start over and forget the pain of the past. I didn’t attend my medical school graduation or celebrated completing my residency. After Yale I was shell-shock, my residency was brutal on so many dimensions. I didn’t look for love just any man who showed me love and kindness. When I got married, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. If I had waited, I might not have been able to have kids as I had early menopause. I wanted kids to carry on my father’s genes, but I didn’t want to have them out-of-wedlock, so that meant marriage ASAP then kids as I was turning 30. Even in the midst of close friends, I felt incredibly alone and disconnected. I could not control the emptiness and deep melancholy piercing my soul. In the process of keeping that promise, my world started to unravel in profound ways. I followed through on my promise to be a doctor. It felt as if the rug was always being pulled from under me the moment I got on my feet. Losing my father and my best friend (my little brother), the two people whose love I could consistently count on made it difficult for me to trust. Having Catholicism branded into my brain, I learned to feel guilt, shame or discomfort in every compliment or experience of joy. Growing up without affection or ever hearing the word love, affected me in ways I didn’t understand until a few years ago. I have few happy memories of my childhood such as times spent with my father and youngest brother. Not having received love herself or education, she knew no better. None of us have criminal records, and we all have advanced degrees. He changed our diapers not my mother.Īfter my mother was forced to care for us because of his death, she provided a roof over our heads and food on the table. Through my father, I learned compassion and empathy for those less fortunate. My mother is a fighter, and through her, I had a fighter instinct. However, the best part of anything comes from feelings of love and so most memories are grounded in emotions and not material things. I wanted the best for my children even if it meant sacrificing my happiness.
Instead, I fought to change theirs to what I believed would give them the chances I never had. What I didn’t realize was I needed to change our environment to a positive, supportive community. Having children brought out the fighter in me. Acknowledging my failures and admitting my life a total failure was a disturbing epiphany, a rude awakening. My children owed an apology for bringing them into the world, and a wish they were born to a better mother.
I knew the end would be lonely, but I didn’t realize my conclusion would be a wasted life. My only place of comfort is the bed which is uncomfortable for sitting or sleeping. Scanning my luxury cell, I feel overwhelmed with boxes, unopened mail, and clothes scattered. A messy life sometimes leads to a messy room.
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